Um…. Is there a back way out of this place?

How to extricate yourself from a bad date.

Let me set the scene:

You’re sitting across from someone you had hoped might be Mr or Ms Right, or at least Mr or Ms ‘Right Now’, trying desperately not to thrust the tines of your fork into your right temple in an attempt to feel something. It doesn’t matter whether your date is spinning Charlie Manson-like peepers round their eye sockets or if their hygiene is making the salad on your plate wilt. Maybe it’s just that you are bored to tears, can find no spark of attraction or can’t reconcile your date with the picture you spied of them on Facebook. You know you’re as much wasting your time as you are wasting theirs.

But what can you do about getting out of this mind numbingly boring/nauseating/scary situation? How do we extricate ourselves from the classic bad date? When is it the right time to cut and run? Or do we suffer in silence, planning evil pay-back to the friend who set us up on this blind date, and stick it out? Where should we meet on the first date? And if we get to a fifteenth date does that mean we are well out of the woods of things going off the rails? And when do we use all our guile, whit and politeness to beg off as opposed to throwing our weight behind a smack down and getting a little mean?

If bad dates seem to be on the rise it might be directly proportional to how much dating is done by people meeting via online dating sites. Or perhaps it’s because we’re counting on the vetting process of a nosy but well meaning, match-making auntie, a B.F.F.’s radar or just our own olfactory senses. Most likely we’re reading an online profile trying to determine if the new guy or girl we’ve spied or are chatting with will make a worthwhile in-person hang. The weak vetting process, ok, call it desperation, of scouring chat rooms , checking someone’s Facebook status, or Googling their phone number leads modern day singles more and more into dating situations that often just…suck. Sure, we’ve all seen those commercials of sickly satisfied couples testifying a match-made-in heaven from a specific site they’ve joined. But we only ever hear about the success stories in these cases. I’m not saying everyone is a Craigslist stalker but just know you might be setting yourself up for failure. The fact is we really have no idea what someone is like from simply encountering them online. We need to take the plunge and organize a face to face meet.

But if not from online websites, chat rooms and Facebook, where else do I find a date? You know the places to hit; grocery stores on a weeknight, bookstore readings, even church socials, or maybe hanging at a club with friends. But please try not to look too desperate.  And I’m not saying don’t use that wacky Interweb thingie. Just don’t expect what you are told about someone is really the truth and that when you finally do get to meet somebody off of eHarmony or aussiematchmaker.com they won’t be exactly the opposite of their profile.

Prepare.

Actually being prepared is a good rule of thumb no matter where you meet someone…from cyber space or not. We might stumble across a hottie at the shopping centre, in a linen store or from Facebook. Even if that person, and we, are not looking for a date at that particular moment, we all suddenly put on our best behaviors. We bubble forth suave manners and cooler-than-Fonzie poses when we pick up on, or try to elicit mutual attraction or interest. It’s in the clear light of an overhead bulb at a restaurant or while managing a half hour drive to a meeting with some ‘date’ that we start to learn the ins and outs of peoples’ true characters. And if we like them very much at all after the first sparkling moment of attraction or a witty IM. Texting and emailing, a phone call or two, even dancing the night away with someone we’ve just met isn’t going to clue us in to all that much. And the fewer clues we have, the more potential there is for the bad date.

Let me relive a couple of gems from my own blind-dating past.

I get a text from my ‘date’ saying that he has just arrived at the café. Cool…I’m only fifty metres away. I arrive to find a guy who looks like the pic that was sent to me. Smiling I walk up to him and say my sexiest hello. He looks at me like I’ve got two heads. Oooops he’s not my date. His wife walks out of the café that second and we all have an uncomfortable laugh about it. Heading through the door there is only one person sitting in the whole place. But he looks nothing like the pic. At least twenty years older and nowhere near as cute. Hhhmmm…not a good start but I’m all dressed up and have no other plans for the night so I figure I’ll have a cuppa with him and see how it goes. The next forty five minutes I sit there with him telling me how his ex is a bitch and how he’s going to get her back. When I can finally get a word in edgewise I politely let him know that we all have exes and I feel his pain, however tonight is about meeting a new person and perhaps a ‘date’ would like to think he was interested in getting to know her. Could we please change the subject. And he does. For the next twenty minutes he tells me how hot the new receptionist is at his work and how he’d like to bed her. Standing up I put money on the table for my tea and politely tell him that it’s not working for me and wish him luck on the site.

I am not five minutes out the door and the nasty texts start. The final one being, ‘You’ve obviously been abused. You should get the f**k off the website.’ I contacted the site and had him banned.

Next story…

Louise was feeling charitable and recommended a friend of hers. Cute, single, smart blah blah… He wanted to meet at a pub I’d never heard of but that’s fine. A girlfriend and I had been shopping that day and she dropped me off. Before I even walked in the door I knew it wasn’t good. A biker bar I would never normally walk into. But I did as I had arranged to meet this ‘date’ Louise had raved about. Immediately I felt intimidated. The only woman in the place and every head swiveled in my direction as I entered. There he was at the bar looking like he hadn’t showered in a month chatting to the topless barmaid. I managed to get him to a table where he chain smoked, picked his teeth and asked me if my pussy tasted good. An emergency text to my friend and she was back quick smart. As soon as I saw her car out the window I excused myself and walked with conviction out the front door. Jumping in the car I shrilled, ‘Drive Thelma, drive!!’

And another one? Sure.

As soon as he met me, this charmer banged on about how he had driven an hour to meet me so it had better be worth his time. Lovely. He hailed from red-nick-ville in the sticks. Shorter than his advertised height by several inches, he was as skinny as a bag of bones and whilst I don’t want to appear judgmental, he was a thick as two planks of wood nailed together. We were meant to have a dinner date so I had not eaten before leaving home. He insisted on walking on the beach for an hour and a half. I knew in the first five minutes that he was not getting a second date but felt guilty that he had driven so far to meet me. Usually I can find SOMETHING about a guy to enjoy but this guy had nothing! We walked past a fish and chips place. By then I was starving so I suggested we go ‘Dutch’ and grab some food. No go. He wanted to keep walking. Was he being cheap? No idea. But I was really hungry so I told him I was going to get some food. His response was, ‘Fine, I’ll go then.’ And the next day the nasty texts came. How I had wasted his time. How he expected to get laid and other such sh!t. Two words; ignore and delete. Eventually he gave up.

And what about…

I meet him. Cute. Very cute. He’s hit the non-smoking button on the profile but lights up immediately. No biggie. I quite like the smell. After his cappuccino is empty he wants to know my place or his. It’s going a little quickly for me and I tell him so. Then he reveals his strategy. A few guys have gotten together on the site. They date women, bed them, and then give them a rating to their mates. How easy she was. Did she put out on the first date? Does she allow bareback sex? How big are her tits? Is she shaven, trimmed etc. Really nice guy. And I’m not even going to start on the married ones who pretend they are ‘separated’ or ‘single’. I’ve written a few choice stories in my books about those wankers.

So, you’re on a bad date. What now?

Sometimes we get lucky and know right from the outset that the date is going to be a stinker. That guy or girl wiggles themselves from the front seat of their car and they’re twenty years older or twenty kilos heavier than their profile pic…or worse yet, that’s not even the person you saw in their pic! Downright lying seems acceptable to them because when you really get to know them, you’ll realize they are the best thing since sliced bread and fall madly in love with them. At least that’s how they justify it….to themselves.

Sure, on the very rare occasion the person walking towards you looks even better than they did when you saw them running from the store that day. Or you feel a spark of an attraction in person Facebooking could never have tipped you off to. But way more often we get the vibe from just a minute into the meeting that things are going to go downhill quickly. We are animals after all. Our instincts serve us well when we let them. It’s less a Spidey sense than just scents, body language and sexual intuition that educates us. Have the common sense and the adult politeness to slip away as soon as you can. Do what I say not as I have done previously due to guilt or trying not to offend. It might be jarring to your date who has driven all the way across town but if, for whatever reason you get a jolt of ,‘this is going to suck donkey’s balls’, extricate yourself as nicely but quickly as you can.

If what’s spooked you is a drastic, obviously false misrepresentation between a picture(s) and the person who now stands before you, you can easily use the fact that this person used a pic not them or years younger, in affect lying, as the reason you want to leave. It will hopefully educate them that this is unacceptable and they are wasting their time as much as yours. Unless of course they look better to you than the pictures you saw and you want to pounce on them right there! But that’s an unlikely scenario in real life.  All things being equal, if there’s no misrepresentation present but you still want to split, be polite. It can be done, but it needs finesse. It’s not so easy to simply adopt Ellen Barkin’s, “I believe in animal attraction”, finger snap from Sea Of Love, but then again you probably won’t be in the presence of too many adorable Al Pacinos or Ellen Barkins, so no worries there. More than likely the ‘adult’ thing to do here, and God forbid any of us think of ourselves as adults, is to politely state that you can’t see it working out between the two of you. You don’t even have to say why. But if they press you…lie! Say something such as, they remind you of your best friend. Or you’re not feeling well. Or do what the girls from ‘Sex and the City’ do and get a friend to call you with a fake emergency just in case you need an out. If you think the person might make a good friend then you could let them know that and agree to a coffee or if you’ve met for a meal go ‘Dutch’ and simply treat the night as if it were an occasion to meet someone new. We can never have too many friends.

Yes, I know you’re wonderful, but believe me, there are going to be some guys and girls that will not find you attractive. Just as there are plenty you wouldn’t want to give the time of day to. Sad, but true. And if a guy or girl has been dating for a while they understand and accept this truism. In the end most people, while maybe being disappointed, will understand that you’re just not feeling the lust vibe.

THE BAD DATE

But this entire treatise really is about extricating yourself from the bad date and what often makes a date bad is that the person you are with doesn’t think it’s so bad. In fact, they might be enjoying themselves. They might very much want you to stay…and they have the empty van and twist ties to make this happen. Ok that was a little harsh. Most people are not mean spirited Buffalo Bill wanna be’s. Most potential lovers are just like you, wanting to make a connection with someone, share a few laughs. Maybe, if all the stars align correctly, they are hoping for a little friction with some body part not their own hand. As you beg off, offer only one word answers, keep checking your cell phone or watch you’ll probably be asked less to put the lotion in the basket and more why you’re not enjoying yourself. It’s hard for the person being rejected to understand if things seemed to work so well on the phone, on your initial brief bump into one another, across a chat room that they are not working now.

And this is how the bad date begins…

Soon you find yourself a good half hour in with no wiggle room. The drinks have FINALLY arrived, your date is assuming with every passing minute you agree to sit with them, that it is a step towards you coming round to see them as Brad Pit or Elle MacPhearson. You disguise your discomfort by slurping your one drink fast enough to deplete it but not so fast your companion offers you another round. You date won’t recognize that you desperately want out of there. Their excited eyes are of someone wanting to get to know you better. It’s such a shame when one person wants and the other doesn’t, each other. And things can get awkward. This is when dates move to an uncomfortable place. There is inherent rejection and disappointment on the wind.

Some people like a challenge. Maybe they interpret you sticking it out, even if you’ve told them there is no attraction, as you attempting to give it a try. And to be fair, sometimes this is the prudent move. But over the course of a date the savvy dater will know where he or she stands. If you want to see someone again or if you can pretty much tell things are going south for whatever reason it will be obvious to at least one of you. It’s the socially challenged who can’t. And this is when you might have to get a wee bit strident. The deeper into a date with someone who simply isn’t reading your signals or worse, someone deliberately ignoring them, the more you have to make your meaning clear. I’m not suggesting you head out to deliberately hurt someone’s feelings, but God knows we’ve all had to, or at least skirt close to doing so in order to stop a potential stalker.

Get up and leave. Say goodbye in no uncertain terms. Let them know politely but firmly that you are not available for further meetings. Avoid making a scene if you can. Make damn sure the place you have agreed on for this first date is somewhere very public. Prior to meeting make sure you have given this person as little personal information as possible about yourself, not where you live or work, only your email address etc, just in case they prove to be someone you really don’t want to see again. If need be, grab another person in the public place, a big burly dude or no nonsense babe if need be, and have them walk you to your car. You’ll be surprised in this day and age how many people are looking out and will lend a hand. We hate to think a bad date will end this way, mostly we all hope things just fizzle out or the promised hot night out turns into an innocuous meeting of two to-be-new acquaintances over salads. But things do sometimes turn ugly right quick when one person isn’t having a groovy time and the other damn well wants them to.

And don’t think the bad date is relegated to first dates. There are plenty of couples who roll along perfectly well but as individual pasts get revealed or sexual intimacy sneaks into the playing field, things might go in the wrong direction. Be ever aware. Attraction hangs by a very thin membrane indeed.

I hope I haven’t scared you off dating. Get out there and have fun. You’re a long time dead and whilst being single does have its perks, we would all love a significant other to snuggle up to. A special person who thinks you look cute or at least f**kable with morning breath and bed hair. Being in love releases feel good endorphins, the same ones a chocolate by the way. Anyone who says being in love isn’t the greatest feeling in the world is either emotionally challenged or just has never been in love.

Nobody wants be on a bad date, but we all do get into them from time to time. As my grandmother says, ‘You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince.’ Sage advice granny.

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